Day 147: S.f.M. – An Obituary for Big Sean
by Tom Noonan
Age unknown, a brief resident of The Life, Big Sean died on August 27, 2013 with only real n-words by his side. He was born some time in 2007 outside the WHTD studio in Detroit, Michigan to Kanye West and a cloud of hash smoke wearing Jean Paul Gaultier sunglasses. Devoted Family Guy fan, cherished ya-girl bandit, and beloved Chris Brown employer, Mr. Sean spent his final days planning an ultimately doomed threesome with Nicki Minaj and Leonardo da Vinci’s masterpiece The Mona Lisa. Other hobbies included: looking at his own penis, pun mad-libs, and becoming invisible when surrounded by his friends. He was survived by brother and Cinemax subscriber 2 Chainz as well as close friend Pusha T, who was last seen Walter White-ing his ceiling.
A$$es to a$$es, dust to dust, Mr. Sean’s family is at ease knowing their loved one’s dick will finally get a rest.