Day Eighty-Six: Some Editorializing in Support of My Dear Friend Rick Perry

by Tom Noonan

Strong.  It was with this word that Rick Perry began his courageous, but ultimately too staunchly American, campaign for president over two years ago.  From the get go he made it clear that there was no compromising his beliefs, that he was an honest man, and that he would never let those intimidating him and trying to bully him into denouncing Christianity win.  “I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m a Christian,” he valiantly announced to a national audience in his hugely successful campaign commercial.  This was a man ready to change his country by keeping it the same as it was when he read about it in his Texas State issued textbook in high school.

Rick Perry knew something that we didn’t.  He knew that the heavy-handed liberal popular culture was hijacking our youth and passing on ideas of tolerance and equality.  Not in his America.  During a time where actors like Jim Carrey and Sean Penn actively persecuted Christians by appearing as gay men in films, Perry bucked their intolerance of his religion like Clint Eastwood driving a train through town.  This was a candidate that wouldn’t stand for Obama’s war on his own religion because, as Perry will tell you himself, the Governor is much better armed.

Now I don’t want to waste too much time mourning what could have been because there’s a new campaign Mr. Perry has once again boldly thrown his ten gallon hat into[1].  Over the weekend, the Governor appeared on the “Stand with Scouts Sunday” webcast to try and combat the further shackling of his America by standing up for the Boy Scouts of America’s right to identify, shame, and then remove gays within their ranks.  During his appearance, Mr. Perry displayed no signs of trepidation when going after pop-culture outlets that are actively polluting the minds of our youth.  While he did fail to mention a single concrete example, a fact the liberal media will undoubtedly mindlessly use against him, Perry did cite the century of work the Boy Scouts have done in making great fathers and husbands[2].  I assume the “pop culture” Perry refers to started when Tom Hanks won the Oscar for playing a gay man in the critically panned bomb Philadelphia, so, by my calculations, the Boy Scouts have almost 80 more years of influence on our youth.  I wonder what Obama has to say about that[3].

But pop-culture has not always been evil.  For evidence we will look no further than George Lucas’s mega-hit Star Wars, a film with scrolling opening credits that were better acted than any scene in Philadelphia[4].  In fact, if you look closely, but not too closely[5], you might see something familiar in the film’s protagonist, Luke Skywalker.  Raised by a same-sex couple despite losing his parents, Luke learns to stay true to himself and, under the guardianship of a holy man, rises up to take down the evil attempting to pervert his religion[6].  Along the way he learns to control his urges, is entrusted with a lethal weapon[7], and almost gets lucky with his sister.  This could be the story of any Boy Scout, but it is most definitely the story of Rick Perry[8].   When it comes to saving the Boy Scouts from the clutches of the homosexual Dark Side and protecting our freedom to be unashamed to be Christian, I say, “Save us Rick.  You’re our only hope.”

[1] And that hat’s just for his balls.

[2] But only in same-sex marriages.

[3] Probably something with many long pauses and stern idealism.

[4] Those letters’ Oscar loss to Jason Robards still keeps me up at night. I mean, JASON ROBARDS?! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS?

[5] I’d say about “section 300 at Yankees Stadium with a pair of vendor-bought binoculars with no lenses” close.

[6] Note to self: good nickname for homosexuals – “stormtroopers”

[7] Don’t see any second amendment protestors on Tatooine, Obama.

[8] Only Rick Perry would definitely get lucky.