Day Eighty-One: A Facebook History of a Proposed Mighty Ducks Reboot
by Tom Noonan
In the wake of Patton Oswalt’s unreal Star Wars Fillibuster, I thought it was time to put this Facebook conversation/Reboot pitch that took place in March of last year. In one post and 44 comments, my brother, sister, and I worked through the rough outline of the best possible reboot Disney has to offer: D4: The Mighty Ducks. What follows is that Facebook conversation, mostly unedited. I’d like to put this forward as an official application for the three of us to get a multiple-movie deal with Disney to continue the inspiring legacy of Gordon Bombay and his team. The initial post was inspired by a YouTube video that featured the “Top 10 Players Playing out of Position”. The video featured the coach of a hockey team suiting up and finishing the game with his team. This is where it went from there:
My Initial Post on My Brother’s Wall
So #1 unreal that they leave out Roy Oswalt in Left Field or Valdez pitching… but #2 go to 2:07 when you, and Patricia Noonan (sister, tagged in post), will see my plot idea for Mighty Ducks 4. Bear with me on this one… So, Gordon Bombay starts a new NHL franchise and instead of going the usual route of building the team by drafting young talent and signing a handful seasoned veterens who will bring them along, Bombay opts to rollerblade around the country and blow his duck whistle. The Ducks re-unite under a new name (because they already named a pro-team after them…).
We can discuss all the other important plot points later (Goldberg (who does have a first name apparently… it’s Greg) will definitely own a cheesesteak shop in Philly, though, and the bash brothers will be imprisoned but get a pardon to play because, c’mon, it’s a Disney movie). So the New Ducks (still haven’t come up with a franchise name… would it be based in Minnesota? OH WAIT, Bombay buys the Minnesota wild, cleans house (except for a few quirky players who, presumably, are foreign and play into their respective stereotypes as well as Team Jamaica did in D2) and brings in his own team (except Banks, they’ll have to trade for him because I assume he is already on an NHL team) to start over) initially get completely demolished by the competition (who should the complete dick team be?) but somehow Goldberg gets back into shape and they start winning, make the playoffs, and are now playing for the Stanley Cup.
(side note, Charlie needs another personal crisis in this movie: I’m thinking a completely crippling heroin addiction, but we can work on that.)
In the Stanley Cup Finals, they take their rivals to a game 7 only to have Banks, their best player and top goal scorer by this point in the movie, go down before the inevitable game deciding overtime (unfortunately, there are no shootouts in the NHL playoffs…). The team is unbelievably exhausted as they have already overcome a few seemingly insurmountable obstacles (but they handled them with ease, cause c’mon this is a Disney Movie), so Gordon sees no other option but to go back to the locker room and suit up. He puts on the pair of skates Hans left him before he died (in an unmarked box that Gordon comes across at the beginning of the movie that has a note inside saying something prophetic and Norwegian (or Swedish… where is he from again?)).
Once he returns to the ice, Gordon is instantly back to his old ways and intercepts a pass in stride going the other way. He strides towards the opposing goal. As he does this, scenes of his blown Pee-Wee championship penalty shot are inter-spliced. He puts a quadruple deke on the goalie causing the tender to fall (in the direction Bombay is headed, this would be easier to describe in person… too bad). Bombay is now in slow-motion and is seemingly about to blow another game-winning opportunity when the camera angle changes to behind to goal and reveals a flying V behind him (lead by Charles).
He drops the puck off to his captain who finishes the play. Game over. Minnesota Wild (I decided the idea I laid out above works best) win the Stanley Cup. Cue celebration and Charlie’s mom (pretty sure she actually does not have a name) looking absolutely insane and telling Charlie to, “Go have fun… but no heroin.” Charlie (laughing): “Okay, mom.” Charlie’s mom: “Seriously, Charlie, no heroin.”
Final scene shows the Ducks (now The Wild) celebrating and singing some Queen songs when Gordon gets a call from the President. He tells Gordon that China is putting together the best hockey team to ever be assembled. They are basically unbeatable, and the next olympics aren’t too far away. The president asks Gordon if he will coach the US Olympic team. Gordon: “On one condition.” President: “Anything you want.” Gordon (grinning at the camera): “I get to pick my team.” End movie.
When should we start writing this?
Patricia: Um…the answer is we should start writing this immediately. Except Bombay and Charlie’s mom HAVE to get together finally…and I love that D5 is going to be a world showdown against China. Do we get Kenny Wu? Also after the 2nd period in the final game Bombay has to give them their old duck jerseys…I mean, they can’t win it all if they’re wearing something they can’t quack about…
Patricia: And then D6 or D7 can be their children…Gee and Connie’s Kid…Julie the Cat and that Russian (Editor’s note: Gunner Stahl was from Iceland. Where everything is Green. Not Russia, that was Miracle, but proceed…) dude’s little goalie child…I can see it now…
Patricia: Oh…and the stakes in D5 v. China have to be a bit higher than the Olympics…it has to be like the fate of the Western world or something rests on Charlie and friends’ shoulders
Me: Love the jersey idea… need those old school green ones with the wack ass duck on them. Also, Charlie’s heroin addiction will be cause for Gordon and Charlie’s mom to get back into contact (the rest will play out from there). Kenny Wu will clearly play for the Ducks, but that will be a major D5 plot line. And it will be so much higher stakes than the Olympics… they have already won the olympics (yeah it was the junior olympics, but c’mon this is a disney movie). A loss would somehow lead to all out nuclear war… or something. We’ll have to work that all out.
Patricia: Nuclear war. Exactly. You read my mind.
Patricia: And yes, it would be their actual jerseys from PeeWee
Patricia: Bombay has saved them all these years
Patricia: Also – Charlie’s mom’s name is Casey. Come on.
Me: Charlie’s mom’s name sounds pretty made up to me… Pretty sure that’s a lie. But what will Russ Thompson wear? He wasn’t on the original Ducks
Me: that goes for all the other D2 additions
Brendan Hankowsky (Friend and D4 Admirer): this is pure gold
Me (quoting a sidebar Facebook conversation): Patricia: i’ll have to think about the jersey thing
yeah, maybe they could get a hybrid jersey: the same design as the classic jerseys with Minnesota Wild colors
Me: Hans’s brother makes them
yeah that could work
i feel like the old one’s need to come back
like they make them out of the old fabric or some crazy shit
combine the fabrics from all their old jerseys into a tapestry that speaks to how much they’ve been through as a team
combines old and new together
Me: wait i got it… so i assume Aberman has come out of the closet at this point right?
like he is openly gay
and in his pre-reunion life
he was a fashion designer
(this is a disney movie, stereotypes are a must)
and his addition to the team (other than absurd comments on the bench and shitty playing) is making the jerseys you just laid out above
Patricia: the fabric collage?
i love it
TJ Bray (Noted Hater, Roommate, 2nd Team All-Ivy, 0 Masters Wins): and to think this only took you 3 hours to write. who says screen writing has to be hard.
Me: maybe 3 hours to type… it took me a lifetime to write
This is the original logo… We could do something with that
John Noonan (arriving late, which is kind of his thing): W-O-W
John (trying to make up for being late): A few adds – The team they face in the Stanley Cup will be the Black Hawks who have changed their jerseys to resemble the Hawks from the original D1 movie and their coach absolutely is Jack Reilly (Gordon’s pee wee coach and the coach who illegally had Banksy playing for him), and the owner is Mr. Ducksworth (guy who fires Bombay from law firm in D1). Wow that’s good.
John: The bash brothers can’t get released from prison that isn’t insane enough. Here’s what will happen: they see the press conference of Bombay bringing the ducks together for a run at the Stanley Cup on ESPN on the tiny prison TV as they mop the prison mess hall floor. They both simultaneously look at one another and give smirks that say “we know what we have to do”…
Cue intense heavy metal music and a montage of them recruiting Russ Tyler’s brother and the rest of his LA gang who are now all incarcerated in the same jail as the bash brothers (adding another racial aspect as well, win-win). The LA gang lead by Russ’ brother conducts an epic prison riot that helps the bash brothers get all the way to the prison gate.
At the gate they encounter the captain from Eden Hall Academy and his side-kick, who are now prison guards. The bash brothers literally ‘drop the gloves’ (they were wearing work gloves while mopping) and together fight their way to freedom.
John: Banks definitely gets hurt before game 7, and his injury you ask? – Concussions.
Before the game he promises Bombay he can play as he did with his wrist injury. Instead of telling him to rotate the stick in his hand Gordon simply tells Banks to look into a small keychain flashlight, which he is unable to do and then gets a raging head ache and collapses.
Due to this being at least his 27th concussion they ship him to the hospital and tell him he literally could die if he tries to play. The team visits him before the game – another hurdle for the them to rally around. The term “cake eater” must be said during this hospital scene.
John: With the uniforms – Averman definitely comes out of the closet and takes on the stereotypical gay character roll. During the 2nd period of game 7 he slips away from the bench and goes back to the locker room (no one notices because he is a terrible hockey player and he doesn’t get much ice time).
When the team walks into the locker room, they see the jerseys – mainly purple (I see some purple in the original logo, fabric TBD)- hanging on their lockers. The jerseys also have duck wings sewn on them.
The camera rotates to reveal Averman and Mr. Tibbles (dressed similar to how you would expect Elton John to look) who has also finally come out even though we all knew it the whole time. The two are sitting behind a sewing machine finishing one last jersey – Gordon’s.
Patricia: Um the prison break scene may be the best thing I’ve ever heard. Sticks. Gloves. Shirt. Banks totally watches the final game in the hospital alone…and somehow knows exactly when to quack – when the other ducks are quacking in the locker room we cut to him quacking in his hospital room. We also cut to prison in which all previous helpful (to escape) inmates are quacking as well…emotionally the prison guards also join in – perhaps finally seeing the light.
John: Finally – I don’t think there could be a better ending to any movie. Ever. I got chills when I read that. Kenny Wu will undoubtedly be the star of the Chinese National team, no question. Their whole thing is they all are converted figure skaters and play a brand of hockey never before seen.
Only thing I would change with the ending is that as Gordon is on the phone with the president (played by Julie the Cat….?? Female President from Alaska…? – I know she’s from Maine, but close enough.) Gordon turns to see Kenny Wu standing in the corner of the locker room and Kenny says “herrro Gordon”, and then Gordon turns back and then says your last lines – Gordon: “On one condition.” President: “Anything you want.” Gordon (grinning at the camera): “I get to pick my team.” End movie.
Patricia: That is amazing. Gunner Sthal is the “First Man” to President Gaffney. And yes, best ending ever.
Me: Wait ok, love the Blackhawks being the dick team, and their organization should look like this – Owner: Ducksworth; GM: Wolf Stansson (or he could be a player, leaving room for Maria (of “Iceland is green, and Greenland is ice” fame) to be the GM (I feel like she needs to suffer more for being the absolute worst in D2). Coach is clearly Reilly.
Second, I think roller blades should be involved in the prison escape. Maybe they have built a ramp and comically jump the fence? Then join up with Charlie who has undoubtedly already started rollerblading around the country to find his teammates (who are all doing their respective jobs… Averman is designing clothes, Goldberg is making cheesesteaks, and Luis Mendoza is a Formula 100 driver or something (he still can’t really stop).
I love Julie the Cat being the president… she won’t make an appearance in the entire movie until the end (Goldberg HAS to be the goalie… I think we all know that). It’s kind of like Dean Portman in D3. Just when you are pissed that he hasn’t yet made an appearance, he enters in absurd fashion and steals the movie.
Me: I like the Banks concussion thing, but we have to make sure it doesn’t resemble Varsity Blues too much. And his hospital scene can’t be too similar to Remember the Titans.
Me: And Kenny was a spy all along… he uses all the information he has put together over the years to stop the Ducks and their shenanigans.
Me: Also, for D5, some banter between President Gaffney and her first man has to include “Should have gone stick side, honey” (TJ gets an assist on this one)(Editors note: TJ did not redeem himself for his earlier transgressions with this suggestion)
Me: Wait one more addition to the last scene, Gordon: “On one condition, I get to pick me team.” President Gaffney (after the screen goes black): “Quack, quack, quack, Mr. Bombay.” End movie
John: hahahaha, this gets better with each idea/post/edit/addition. Great assist to TJ, welcome to the creative team.
Me: The bash brothers definitely have to meet Dan Carcillo and ask for his autograph or fight him or something. There has to be a scene like that
Me: how should the movie open? I’m thinking with a flashback of Hans (yes the actor who plays him is still alive) talking to Gordon saying something like, “You choose to leave the game, but the game will never leave you.” These words are voiced over shots around Gordon’s new house which contains framed jerseys from all the movies as well as his gold medal. And it ends on a picture of him and the Ducks. Title appears below the picture: “D4: The Mighty Ducks”
Patricia: Well I like that opening…but I think you’re forgetting that Gordon has to be in a dark place of some sort as well
Me: it is charlie this time who is in the dark place, Gordon has to enter the darkness with him. this will be the next scene
Me: and quote, “You may choose to leave the game, but the game will never leave you.”
Me: Wait, who will the announcer be? Will it be the kid from D3 doing play by play with Paul Kariya doing color commentary?
Me: And I just realized Jesse Hall is not in D3… he has to come back in this movie. He has to be the one who says “cake eater” in the hospital scene
Me: Wait did we overlook something… how old is Julie “The Cat”? Is she even eligible to be President? Or are we just going with the whole “it’s a disney movie, f*** you” approach?
Me: Ok… this is a sign: http://www.colombedujour.com/tag/whitehouse-garden/
John: Opening is solid, like the overly dramatic entrance.
John: I too pictured Jesse Hall as the “cake eater” line deliverer, touche. Speaking of the Hall’s, the father needs to make an appearance in D4. His “is this what I spend my overtime pay for?” line cut deep in D1 and he needs to return to deliver some soul-searching type line 3 films later.
John: The I didn’t think of those scenes at the hospital and Varsity Blues. I was more thinking of Sidney Crosby/Eric Lindros concussion issues and just dramatic Ducks typicalness with the hospital scene. We will modify that…
Maybe the wrist injury never fully healed and it is coming back to haunt him.
John: I think the “its a Disney f*** you approach” to the presidential age limit is the way to go. We could have someone in the move question this and have Dwayne respond “if you don’t like our president, why don’t you giiiittttt outttttt”
John: While we are on Dwayne – as Bombay is roller blading cross country rounding up the Ducks he rolls into Texas and approaches a huge stadium. There are bright lights, thousands of screaming fans, kids with cotton candy, popcorn and all kinds of fried food on sticks. An epic rodeo is taking place; the best of the best are competing…
The Camera trails a top tier bull rider who, from the back, looks like Dwayne. The rider holds on for [insert good time here, who the hell knows how long is good to ride a bull] and when the rider falls off, the camera reveals that this man is in fact not Dwayne.
At that moment Dwayne jumps out of a wooden barrel in full RODEO CLOWN attire and distracts the bull from the actual rider. The bull chases Dwayne causes him to desperately leap over the fence. He rolls over out of breath and in pain from the fall and upon turning over sees Gordon standing over him. Gordon grins at him and nods his head as if to say “yeah quack attack is back.”