Day Fifty-Two: AliBrie.

by Tom Noonan

Last night, something happened that wasn’t meteor related.  It might just be the reason why all these meteors are missing us.  Alison Brie, in all black everything, went on Jimmy Fallon, name-dropped Childish Gambino as a collaborator, and let loose a string of Exxon Valdez-level slick rhymes with proud, new father Questlove kickin’ that shit on the backing track.

It starts out like every other Jimmy Fallon interview: awkard and jumpy.  But then:

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Wait, why is Artie Lange there?  Everyone knows he won’t get out of bed for anything less than a generation-defining performance.  Unless……

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WAIT. Did James Henry Fallon just bring up freestyle rapping in an intentionally obvious and completely unsubtle way?  Are we still at the Grammys?

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Did Alison Brie just name drop Danny Glover aka Childish Gambino aka the second best rapper on Community aka the trail-blazer that will make AB’s ascension to The Throne possible?  Artie Lang, did you do this?

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If you’re wondering if that’s the signal then I have good news for you: that’s the signal.  TIME TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

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Right now she’s just goading her haters with a terrible freestyle, hoping they take the bait.  She doesn’t even have a microphone yet.  It’s cute that Artie thinks this is all she’s got.  This is probably the only time that “cute” has been used to describe Artie Lange.

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Oh, Artie, if only you knew what was coming.  No one warned you about what was coming.  Someone probably should have warned you about what was coming.

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Did I mention that The Roots are there?  The shit has already been kicked.

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Mic check.  All those haters mentioned earlier are heading for the exits.  Fire is about to commence.  Artie is preparing for impact off-screen.

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She just told Jimmy Fallon to beat box… the HOST… ON HIS OWN SHOW.  I’m pretty sure I don’t need to define exactly how balla’ that it.  But just in case: it’s on the same level as Jay forcing the Wrap It Up music to cut off because he wasn’t finished talking.

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FIRE. FLAME. SPITTA. I don’t even want to know what Artie is doing right now.

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A shameless plug sign-off to end all shameless plug sign-offs.  Also, new nickname: AliBrie.  I can hear paper work being drawn up in New York.

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THIS IMAGE HAS NOT BEEN ALTERED.  THAT IS ARTIE LANGE, YES, THE ARTIE LANGE, GIVING AliBrie A STANDING OVATION.  THIS IS WHERE WE ARE, AMERICA.  THIS IS REASONABLE DOUBT 3.  WE SKIPPED PART 2.  NOTHING IS THE SAME.  CARGO PANTS OR DIE.

UPDATE:

Forgot to speak about AliBrie’s casual mention of freestlye battles at her house featuring Questlove playing the coffee table.  These, apparently, are things that people at that level can do.  These things happen.  We have to realize what this all means:

1. Questlove and AliBrie are tight enough to be hanging out in a non-Late Night with Jimmy Fallon venue.

2. Questlove always has a pair of drumstick on him, at all times, just in case he has to mediate a rap battle, even when he’s going to a party at Alison Brie’s house.  Dude never rides unprepared.

3. Jimmy Fallon was not invited to this party.

4. Artie Lange was probably invited to this party.

5. ALISON BRIE AND QUESTLOVE ARE FRIENDS.  We can’t gloss over this fact.  It’s just too important.

6. John Legend was probably also at this party.  JOHN LEGEND.  FAT HOOKS EVERYWHERE.  THIS is where we are, America.  AliBrie, Questlove, and John Legend on the collab.  Get with it.

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