Day Thirty-Nine: Play by Play of the Original King Kong

by Tom Noonan

This is the real sequence of events.  Only names, quotes, and events have been changed.

  1. “Where are we?”
  2. “We’re here. Also, I love you.”
  3. It’s time to be pretty racist.  Like, Disney racist.
  4. “There’s a giant, extinct animal.  Let’s shoot it.”
  5. Dude got eat
  6. #WhitePeopleRunning
  7. “Let’s hide on this log over a giant death canyon.”
  8. Small Knife vs. Giant Gorilla; Knife wins
  9. Giant Gorilla vs. Tyrannosaurus Rex-Radio Static Offspring with a Dr. Strangelove Tail; Giant Gorilla wins (Record: 1-1)
  10. #GiantGorillaFoundLoveInAHopelessPlace
  11. Don’t worry, the two main characters are the only ones that survived. You won’t have to pretend to care about the extras anymore.
  12. The birds are inexplicably normal-sized
  13. “Let’s go back into the dinosaur-filled jungle only, this time, we’ll bring a shit ton of guns.”  This is also the plot to Jurassic Park 2.
  14. “Oh, and let’s not stick to the plan we made 2 minutes ago.  We should probably just take orders from this unstable and deceitful moving pictures director. 
  15. Giant Gorilla vs. Snake that also has legs; Gorilla wins (2-1)
  16. This next scene is filmed on location at Pride Rock.
  17. She just fainted for the 14th time.
  18. The Sixers just lost to the Hornets.
  19. This Gorilla is just a good old fashioned pervert then?
  20. Giant Gorilaa vs. Pterodactyl; Gorilla wins (3-1)
  21. Oceans 11-level escape attempt by the humans.  Giant Gorilla wins (4-1).
  22. Accidental escape ends up working out; she trips.
  23. What happened to all those racist caricature villagers?
  24. Oh wait, they’re back.  They heard the gong.
  25. This Gorilla is now in full on Brando “Stella!!” mode
  26. Giant Gorilla vs. Wood Beam; Gorilla wins (5-1)
  27. Gorilla takes out his preverted sexual frustration on the villagers and their homes
  28. Rick Ross should’ve done this soundtrack
  29. Giant Gorilla vs. Firecracker; Firecracker wins (5-2)
  30. Giant Gorilla vs. Broadway; Broadway loses in a TKO (6-2)
  31. Newspapers, apparently, are still relevant whenever this movie is set. #ContextClue
  32. They don’t mention the villager deaths.  This is totally a Disney movie.
  33. In case you were wondering, yes, the Gorilla is striking the Jesus pose.  Is this a completely misguided remake of American History X?
  34. Yeah, no flash photography in the Theater, please.
  35. Giant Gorilla vs. Chrome Steel; Gorilla wins (7-2)
  36. Holy shit, no cell phones.
  37. The Gorilla Creeps
  38. He creeps again. #StayCreeping.
  39. Kong’s first edible train set.
  40. It’s Rivalry Week here on the Empire State Building: Giant Gorilla vs. 4 Small Airplanes
  41. Empire State Building is supposed to be one of those phallic symbols here.  The Gorilla even thinks it’s a little heavy-handed.
  42. “Fuck yo plane”
  43. Planes win! Planes win! (7-3)
  44. 115th “Beauty and the Beast” reference to end the movie.  #Disney #ProductPlacement #Racism