Day Twenty-Nine: Another List

by Tom Noonan

The other night, while attempting to pick out a movie to watch with my roommates, I noticed some important selling points that serve as a list of prerequisites for a film to have the opportunity to be shown in our room.  Now, this list is not complete, and not all the requirements have been agreed upon by all parties, but a movie does need to fall into at least one of these categories to be taken into serious consideration.  However, if the movie meets three or more requirements, then it is immediately fast-tracked.  The list is as follows:

  1. There is a sport being played, referenced, or even hinted at (this can include jerseys, hand signals, or even the strategic placement of a baseball mitt in the background) during the movie’s trailer for any duration of time.  Though the term “sport” is, in our room, usually defined loosely, here there is a very strict cut-off between sport and non-sport.  For questions, contact my roommates.
  2. Will Ferrell’s name can be found on the movie’s IMDB page.
  3. “No Church in the Wild” is used at any point in the movie.
  4. There is absolutely no chance that Knick’s Coach Mike Woodson will show up during the movie’s running time to run sprints.
  5. Christian Bale isn’t playing Batman.
  6. Christian Bale is playing a drug addict.
  7. Kate Beckinsale
  8. There are large explosions directly involved with the movie’s plot
  9. Hayden Christensen is not getting involved with light-sabers
  10. Melissa McCarthy has a part that also has dialogue
  11. Ryan Gosling
  12. Justin Timberlake is not at all involved in the project unless David Fincher is also involved in the project
  13. Lena Dunham was not given 3.5 million up front to write the script
  14. Dick jokes are involved
  15. It is required for a class
  16. Clint Eastwood is either vaguely or explicitly racist
  17. It’s on HBO Go
  18. Den.Zel.
  19. “Vs.” appears in the movie’s title
  20. Gerard Butler is fighting things or getting revenge on things and is not being particularly romantic with things
  21. Rotten Tomatoes > 90%
  22. Rotten Tomatoes < 5%
  23. KP55
  24. The movie was once referenced in a Bill Simmons article
  25. It has subtitles because, as one of my roommates put it, “I fucks with subtitles”
  26. Jonah Hill is wearing glasses
  27. Jonah Hill is fat
  28. The movie’s title could also serve as its porn parody title

Then, of course, there are the automatic qualifiers for fast-tracked movie selections.  As of now, there are only three:

  1. Leo.
  2. BLAKE. LIVELY.
  3. Chris Parnell is given 1 to 5,000,000 lines of dialogue.  We are willing to adjust these numbers.
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