Day Twenty-Nine: Another List
by Tom Noonan
The other night, while attempting to pick out a movie to watch with my roommates, I noticed some important selling points that serve as a list of prerequisites for a film to have the opportunity to be shown in our room. Now, this list is not complete, and not all the requirements have been agreed upon by all parties, but a movie does need to fall into at least one of these categories to be taken into serious consideration. However, if the movie meets three or more requirements, then it is immediately fast-tracked. The list is as follows:
- There is a sport being played, referenced, or even hinted at (this can include jerseys, hand signals, or even the strategic placement of a baseball mitt in the background) during the movie’s trailer for any duration of time. Though the term “sport” is, in our room, usually defined loosely, here there is a very strict cut-off between sport and non-sport. For questions, contact my roommates.
- Will Ferrell’s name can be found on the movie’s IMDB page.
- “No Church in the Wild” is used at any point in the movie.
- There is absolutely no chance that Knick’s Coach Mike Woodson will show up during the movie’s running time to run sprints.
- Christian Bale isn’t playing Batman.
- Christian Bale is playing a drug addict.
- Kate Beckinsale
- There are large explosions directly involved with the movie’s plot
- Hayden Christensen is not getting involved with light-sabers
- Melissa McCarthy has a part that also has dialogue
- Ryan Gosling
- Justin Timberlake is not at all involved in the project unless David Fincher is also involved in the project
- Lena Dunham was not given 3.5 million up front to write the script
- Dick jokes are involved
- It is required for a class
- Clint Eastwood is either vaguely or explicitly racist
- It’s on HBO Go
- “Vs.” appears in the movie’s title
- Gerard Butler is fighting things or getting revenge on things and is not being particularly romantic with things
- Rotten Tomatoes > 90%
- Rotten Tomatoes < 5%
- The movie was once referenced in a Bill Simmons article
- It has subtitles because, as one of my roommates put it, “I fucks with subtitles”
- Jonah Hill is wearing glasses
- Jonah Hill is fat
- The movie’s title could also serve as its porn parody title
Then, of course, there are the automatic qualifiers for fast-tracked movie selections. As of now, there are only three:
- BLAKE. LIVELY.
- Chris Parnell is given 1 to 5,000,000 lines of dialogue. We are willing to adjust these numbers.