Day Twenty-Six: A List

by Tom Noonan

After reading about Brittany Howard getting mugged, I started making a list of the worst people I could attempt to rob.  This is that list:

  1. Emily Elizabeth, owner of Clifford the Big, Horny Red Dog
  2. Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson’s friend and best in show Phillip Seymour Hoffman impersonator
  3. Mori Shintaro
  4. My Parents, most noteworthy for making and raising my sister, actress Patricia Noonan
  5. Either of the Mario Brothers
  6. Scarlett Johansson
  7. A Grizzly Bear
  8. Any members of the band Grizzly Bear
  9. Those two silent twins from Breaking Bad, but mostly because they don’t believe in material possessions, so they wouldn’t have a lot of cash on them
  10. Bret Easton Ellis’s Twitter account
  11. Jon Benjamin, but I’m not counting out the van
  12. Any Happy Madison movie not starring Adam Sandler
  13. Will Smith from The Pursuit of Happyness, because if Will Smith can’t sell those bone-density scanners, I see no use for them in my life.   (But, if I were to procure one of these scanners, is it more impressive to have a high bone-density or a low bow-density?  Does that come across as a sex question to anyone else?  I’m asking for a friend who’s a part-time nurse at a retirement home.)
  14. Mark Zuckerberg’s estranged brother Josh Zuckerberg.
  15. The cast of the new Charlie’s Angels TV show.
  16. Oh wait, that got canceled?  What have I been watching then?  What’s “Malibu Country”?
  17. Liam Neeson in Taken
  18. Liam Neeson in Love, Actually
  19. Blue Ivy Carter, daughter of used car salesman Jimmy Carter
  20. My neighbor back home who has a subscription to “Girls and Corpses”
  21. Anyone discursively related to the publication “Girls and Corpses”
  22. Chris Brown’s Rihanna tattoo
  23. Those bugs from The Mummy

That’s it.  I’m done.  I’m gonna go sit in a bright room so I can see the bugs coming.