Day Twenty-Six: A List
by Tom Noonan
After reading about Brittany Howard getting mugged, I started making a list of the worst people I could attempt to rob. This is that list:
- Emily Elizabeth, owner of Clifford the Big, Horny Red Dog
- Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson’s friend and best in show Phillip Seymour Hoffman impersonator
- Mori Shintaro
- My Parents, most noteworthy for making and raising my sister, actress Patricia Noonan
- Either of the Mario Brothers
- Scarlett Johansson
- A Grizzly Bear
- Any members of the band Grizzly Bear
- Those two silent twins from Breaking Bad, but mostly because they don’t believe in material possessions, so they wouldn’t have a lot of cash on them
- Bret Easton Ellis’s Twitter account
- Jon Benjamin, but I’m not counting out the van
- Any Happy Madison movie not starring Adam Sandler
- Will Smith from The Pursuit of Happyness, because if Will Smith can’t sell those bone-density scanners, I see no use for them in my life. (But, if I were to procure one of these scanners, is it more impressive to have a high bone-density or a low bow-density? Does that come across as a sex question to anyone else? I’m asking for a friend who’s a part-time nurse at a retirement home.)
- Mark Zuckerberg’s estranged brother Josh Zuckerberg.
- The cast of the new Charlie’s Angels TV show.
- Oh wait, that got canceled? What have I been watching then? What’s “Malibu Country”?
- Liam Neeson in Taken
- Liam Neeson in Love, Actually
- Blue Ivy Carter, daughter of used car salesman Jimmy Carter
- My neighbor back home who has a subscription to “Girls and Corpses”
- Anyone discursively related to the publication “Girls and Corpses”
- Chris Brown’s Rihanna tattoo
- Those bugs from The Mummy
That’s it. I’m done. I’m gonna go sit in a bright room so I can see the bugs coming.