Day Two: Picket Fences, Xenophobia, and Notes on Hoosiers

by Tom Noonan

My roommate was scared of Shooter when he was younger.  “I watched Hoosiers late at night when I was seven, with my dad.  Shooter was an alcoholic with a gun.”  I’ve seen Hoosiers as many times as I should have by this point in my life, and I’ve never felt that way.  We just searched through movie titles for about 45 minutes and circled back around to watching Hoosiers, again.  Norman Dale is a all-knowing, briefcase-carrying God.  Here is a collection of thoughts and quotes from another time through the greatest sports movie ever made:

Han shot first, and Norman never said bye to Chester.

“They wear Chuck’s the whole time?  How the fuck did they do that?”

This town don’t like change much.  Zone defense is racism, sort of.

Jimmy Chitwood played Jesus long before Ray Allen.

If he’s half a person, do his field goals count double?

Dirk Diggler was the second coming of Jimmy Chitwood.  Boogie Nights was an unofficial sequel.

Strap invented Tim Tebow.

An argument over Kentucky Basketball’s budget breaks out in our room.  It’s settled by iPhone research.

Norman Dale gives all his speeches from the shadows.  He builds his team like Ra’s al Ghul built Batman.

Malice in the “Cage that They Call a Gym”.

Norman Dale finishes less games than Tony Romo.

Dennis Hopper lost a ton of money betting on soccer games with Vinny Chase.  Needs the assistant coaching money to pay off some debts.

Jimmy Chitwood is on his James Stewart Mr. Smith game in that courtroom scene.  Not nearly as much flop sweat, though.

I never realized that Shooter is played by a suit jacket that is trying to consume Dennis Hopper.

“Picket fence!… Don’t get caught watching the paint dry.”

Malice in Hickory

Buddy steals the ball!  Buddy steals the ball!

How do you not join in on the slow clap? A trip to the State Championship is on the line.

“By the end of the game I want to know what flavor he is,” the cliches in this movie are innovative cliches.  Nothing is what it seems.

Banking jumpers from the top of the key was totally cool back then.  So was playing with an open, bleeding wound.

“Strap, God wants you on the floor.”

Never ice the free throw shooter.

“Didn’t know they grew them so small on the farm.” – Chest Hair with a borderline xenophobic comment.

“What a fuckin’ clipboard chaser.” – loose comment on Myra Fleener

“Hickory” echoes around the empty stadium in Indianapolis.  It dwarfs their name.  A Gene Hackman speech is coming up.

“After this, do you guys want to watch the last thirty minutes of Rudy?” – My roommate.  We ended up watching the last 40 minutes and the “Rain Scene” from The Notebook.

Cue David and Goliath scripture passage.

Dennis Hopper won so much money on that State Finals game.  Like, Steve Jobs money.  Birdman money.  Honey Boo Boo money.

Little kid at the end of the movie is growing up to be the Rainmaker.  Bruce Willis is already on his way to kill him.